You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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