she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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