Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
