textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
