Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
