I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
