remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
