i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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