Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
