I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
