Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
