I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
