On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
