Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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