if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
