When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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