I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
