There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
