Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
