I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
