Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
