she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm bleeding and have questions
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
