When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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