tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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