The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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