Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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