I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
