Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
