Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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