i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
