I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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