never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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