it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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