The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
