my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
