Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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