thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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