You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
