Where is the hickey?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
