I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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