I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
