I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
