Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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