I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
They have beer where we have blood.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
