I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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