Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
