Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
