so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
