I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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