She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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