dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
