I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
