i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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