i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
