You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
