i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We left an ass print on the piano.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
