Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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