Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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