We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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