He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
