The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I need water and some morals
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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