Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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