Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
